


Always Be Aware

by AlexSummanus



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-22
Updated: 2009-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-04 23:42:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexSummanus/pseuds/AlexSummanus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An evil, vengeful spirit follows the Sanzo party out of a temple one day with the intent of breaking them down and destroying them. Sanzo and the others need to face their darkest fears to overcome the torment this spirit sets upon them. "Always Be Aware" is the result of a challenge I undertook for the Evil Spring 2005 Mini Fiction Contest at MediaMiner, and was originally uploaded on April 24, 2005.  While still working with the elements required for the contest, I also worked in my area of study – Buddhist scripture.  This made for a unique sort of one-shot fiction that is a bit different than anything else I've turned out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Be Aware

**Author's Note:**

> My stories pretty much always contain content that will offend somebody in some way. I use profanity mildly liberally and there's plenty of the sex-drugs-rock-n-roll-violence-mayhem to go around. If you're easily upset while reading books or stories, don't read mine.

_**Whether the world is eternal or not, whether it is infinite or not, one thing is certain: there will be birth, old age, death and suffering**__._ \- Buddhacarita

 

“Perhaps `fuck off and die' was just a bit harsh, Sanzo?” Hakkai suggested. “Usually you just tell other priests to shut up and go to hell.”

 

Sanzo shrugged. “They were more annoying than most,” he said.

 

“Besides, Hakkai, they were total assholes to us. Not only did they pull the usual `holier than thou' crap on us, they tried to say the three of us weren't even worthy enough to be Sanzo's slaves.” Gojyo ground his cigarette butt angrily against the sole of boot and tossed it on the ground. “_Slaves_, Hakkai! How fucking `worthy' does someone have to be, to be a slave?”

 

“Well, yes,” Hakkai acknowledged. “That _was_ rather rude of them. But then, I never expected that any of them would realize that we were youkai either. And, when it comes down to it, they're probably no less afraid of us than the other humans are.”

 

“They're **more** afraid of you than the other humans are,” Sanzo cut in. “Their delusions of righteousness makes them suspicious of anyone outside the temple, but they are particularly fearful of those who might be more powerful than them. They **had** to pay me respect as a sanzo, but they didn't like it; it made things worse for them that they discovered my “followers” weren't other priests as they expected but rather youkai.” He paused and lit his cigarette. “But it matters not; we wasted too much time there as it is.”

 

“Yeah,” Goku chimed in. “Let's just get going to the next town. I'm hungry, and they had crappy food here. I want to get some meat when we stop again.”

 

“It must be nice, having a brain as simple as yours,” Gojyo teased. “I'd be glad if the only thing I found wrong with that place was the food.”

 

“My brain is not simple, you stupid cockroach!” Goku bit back.

 

Sanzo smacked each of them on the head with his fan. “DON'T EVEN START!”

 

_**If a person ignores the spiritual path and believes life is simply for satisfying desires, then on the day they see an aspirant engaged in practice, living a life of peace, they will feel pangs of envy.**_ \- Pleasure, verse 209

 

Narrowed eyes followed the Sanzo party as they made their way down the mountain and away from the Buddhist temple. He ground his teeth in anger and glared down at the travelers. “How?” he demanded. “How were they not expelled from the temple? How could he possibly be a follower of Buddha? How could he be a _sanzo_ no less?”

 

He followed them silently through the shadows as the four made their way down the winding mountain trail. He listened intently as they argued, teased, threatened, laughed and jostled each other along the way. _There has to be some mistake_, he thought. _There's no way he can be a real sanzo, and there's no way these four can be on any kind of holy journey_.

 

After several hours, the group neared a small village. It was getting dark, and Hakkai indicated a small inn that they might stay at for the night. The shadowy tail followed the Sanzo party as they entered. A clap of thunder from outside echoed behind them.

 

“Looks like we arrived just in time,” Hakkai remarked. “It seems it's going to rain tonight.”

 

“Lovely,” Sanzo grumbled. “And as small as this place is, it would only figure if they didn't have four singles open.”

 

The clerk standing behind the desk overheard their conversation. “Yes, I'm afraid that's correct,” she said apologetically. “However, we do have a rather spacious suite open that accommodates four.”

 

“It'll have to work,” Sanzo said. He pulled out his credit card while Hakkai reached for the register and pen.

 

When they finished signing in, the clerk showed them to a large suite situated at the back of the building. It was relatively remote from the other rooms, and the hallway in front of it was dark and quiet. She handed Hakkai the key. “There will be someone at the front desk all night if you need anything,” she said.

 

_**Destroy desire and conceit, lust and ego. This is the way the true spiritual seeker is freed from the cycle of birth and death.**_ \- Other Things, verses 294 &amp; 295

 

The dark shadow that slipped across the wooden wall hesitated as it neared the beds. He knew he had to choose his first target carefully for his plan to succeed. The sanzo would be the last one he targeted; he would give the most resistance. But, if he could break the other three down first, then the sanzo would be too busy dealing with them to focus on him.

 

He glanced over the slumbering Goku. A simple-minded child, he thought. He's no more a challenge than a pet dog. He could wait. He looked over the other two. Both bore scars from earlier injuries. The one with the injured eye had been quieter than such an injury warranted - he had to be hiding some inner strength.

 

The figure lit on Gojyo. “Good,” he purred to himself. He ran his hand lightly over the sleeping kappa's face. “Full of bodily desires…full of passions and fears…this one must definitely be destroyed.”

 

Gojyo tossed slightly as his sleep became disrupted. He dreamed that he had been talking with Dokugakuji; he wanted to know why his brother had joined up with Kougaiji. As his older brother turned back to him, though, his face was more youthful and his stance more open.

 

“Dammit, Gojyo!” he said. “Why do you keep upsetting her? You know she doesn't want to be around you!”

 

Gojyo could hear his mother's sobs from somewhere in the darkness behind his brother.

 

“Jien!” he begged. “Jien, I don't try to make her cry! I want her to be happy! I'll do anything to make Mother happy!” He threw himself down on the ground in despair. “I would _die_ to make her happy - why doesn't anyone understand that?”

 

“Then why don't you?”

 

Gojyo looked up, startled, at the sound of Goku's voice. His mother's sobs had faded, and where his brother had been Goku now stood.

 

“You know he doesn't love you,” Goku continued. “He doesn't love you any more than she did.”

 

“What…” Gojyo began.

 

“Don't play dumb with me, Cockroach,” Goku said. “You know that he's still in love with Kanan - even though she's been gone all these years. Hakkai's just too restrained to take the initiative to kill you; either that, or he's afraid of what Sanzo would do if he did.”

 

Hakkai's voice suddenly spoke from the darkness behind Goku. “It reminds me of blood, your hair…red blood, just like Kanan spilled the day she died. Red as the blood that Chin Isou spilled on me to make me a youkai…red as the blood _I_ spilled on my way there.”

 

He stepped forward and grasped the hair on top of Gojyo's head. “Blood red,” he seethed. “Blood red, blood red, blood red…”

 

“Hakkai!” Gojyo cried. “Hakkai, please! Please stop! Hakkai!”

 

Gojyo woke, still crying Hakkai's name, to find the very same man kneeling next to the bed, his eyes full of worry. The sound of feet on wooden floors announced Goku and Sanzo's approach.

 

“Gojyo,” Hakkai said. “What's wrong? Were you having a nightmare?”

 

Gojyo brought his hand up to his face. “I think so,” he replied wearily. “It was just a different sort of nightmare than I'm used to.” He rubbed his face in an attempt to wipe the memory from his mind.

 

Hakkai gently felt Gojyo's forehead. “You have a fever,” he commented. “It's probably what is disturbing your sleep.”

 

Sanzo and Goku walked up behind Hakkai and peered over his shoulders at Gojyo. Hakkai turned to look at them.

 

“Goku, could you please bring me a cold wash cloth?” he asked. “Gojyo is running a fever.”

 

“Terrific,” Sanzo said. He took a long drag on his cigarette. “I guess we have no choice but to try to find some medicine in the morning.”

 

“Don't act like this is my fault, Asshole,” Gojyo shot back. “It's not like I want to be sick.”

 

Sanzo shrugged. “Whether you want to be or not, the fact is that you are. Try not to spread it around.”

 

Goku returned; he carried a cold, damp cloth and a bowl of water. “Here ya go, Hakkai,” he said.

 

“Thank you, Goku,” Hakkai replied. He took the bowl and cloth from Goku then turned back to Gojyo. “It's late; you should probably get back to bed. I'll take care of Gojyo.”

 

Goku yawned. “All right,” he said.

 

Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai watched him leave. “You should probably get some more sleep too,” Hakkai told Sanzo. “I'll be all right watching Gojyo.”

 

“Try to get some sleep as well,” Sanzo said. “I can't send Goku out by himself for medicine tomorrow, and you'll know better than I will what to look for.”

 

Hakkai nodded. He turned back to Gojyo and gently set the cool cloth on the kappa's forehead. “This'll give temporary relief so that hopefully you can at least sleep,” he said.

 

Gojyo sighed. “I hope so,” he replied.

 

Sanzo nodded to Hakkai as he turned and walked back to his own bed.

 

Hakkai watched Gojyo as the redhead quietly dozed off, and then he stood and walked back to his bed across the room. He reclined back on his pillow and tried to sleep, but his attention kept drifting back to the words he'd heard Gojyo cry out in his sleep. It had almost seemed like Gojyo had been dreaming about being attacked by Hakkai. The dark-haired youkai hoped it wasn't true; he didn't want to be the cause of any more suffering from people close to him.

 

Finally, exhaustion overcame Hakkai and he closed his eyes. He settled back into his pillow to sleep.

 

Hakkai's thoughts as he fell asleep were picked up loud and clear across the room, where Gojyo's assailant hovered gleefully nearby. “So, he **does** indeed have a weakness,” he cackled to himself. He drifted across the room to hover near Hakkai's bed. He carefully reached out to examine Hakkai's thoughts.

 

“How sinful,” he muttered. “And he carries himself as though he were a holy man. This deception cannot be allowed.”

 

_**Be your own light. Be your own refuge. Confide in nothing outside of yourself. **_**Hold fast to Truth** _**that it may be your guide. **_**Hold fast to Truth** _**that it may be your protector.**_ \- Mahaparinibbana Sutta

 

Hakkai hated rainy nights. The rain and thunder always made him think of the night that he had lost Kanan, the night she had given in to despair and anguish and had killed herself with the very weapon he had sought to save her by. If only Gojyo had left him to die in the mud that dark night; instead, he'd become indebted and then enamored of the very same man.

 

“Is it true, Hakkai?”

 

Hakkai spun around at the sound of Gojyo's voice. Behind him, Gojyo walked out of the darkness.

 

“Wh-what do you mean?” Hakkai asked.

 

“Do you truly love me?” Gojyo asked. “Even as more than a friend?”

 

Hakkai hesitated. He had never expected to be confronted by Gojyo with this; Gojyo had always made his preference for women perfectly clear. Even beyond that, Hakkai wasn't sure himself that he could ever truly love again. Kanan had been his whole life; he had loved no one before her and was sure he could love no one other than her.

 

But yet…when he looked at Gojyo as he was here, quiet, cloaked in moonlight, he couldn't help but feel a pang of emotion that was suspiciously like love. Gojyo had been the one who stumbled on him and patched him back up, who had taken him home and found a doctor to care for him, who had nursed him back to health and then sought to protect him even after he found out the crimes he'd been guilty of.

 

Hakkai was torn. There had been nothing in Gojyo's tone to indicate what type of answer he was hoping to hear. Hakkai didn't want to lose a close friend for a feeling that might not ever fully manifest; at the same time, he was afraid to push Gojyo away.

 

“I…I don't know, Gojyo,” he said. “I don't understand _what_ I feel. I…I _do_ care for you.”

 

Gojyo looked disappointed. “Like Mother,” he said quietly. “You feel obligated to keep me around, but it hurts to look at me.”

 

“No!” Hakkai exclaimed. “No, not like that, Gojyo. I…”

 

“It's all right, Hakkai,” Gojyo replied. “I understand. I'm an adult now; I'm no longer the little boy who doesn't understand why people would hate me.”

 

Hakkai saw a sudden glint of metal flash at the edge of Gojyo's belt. He watched in horror as Gojyo drew a large, glimmering knife out of a hidden sheath at his waist.

 

“Gojyo, what are you doing?” Hakkai cried.

 

“Mother always managed to be right before,” Gojyo said dully. “I'm an abomination that brings pain to everyone just by them looking at me. Jien shouldn't have stopped her; even he didn't really love me, because he disappeared after he killed Mother.”

 

Hakkai's world slowed painfully as he watched Gojyo raise the knife. Hakkai started forward but his motion was frustratingly sluggish; before he could reach the kappa, Gojyo had plunged the knife deep into his gut.

 

“NO!” Hakkai screamed. “NO, GOJYO!” He reached Gojyo just as the half-youkai crumpled to his knees.

 

Hakkai knelt down beside him and tried desperately to stop the flow of blood that was welling up around the knife. “Gojyo, don't!” he sobbed.

 

Gojyo reached up and ran his hand lovingly over Hakkai's cheek. “I love you, `Kai,” he rasped. “Please don't hurt anymore.”

 

“Gojyo, no!” Hakkai cried. “No!”

 

“Hakkai! Hakkai, snap out of it!”

 

Hakkai woke to Sanzo's urgent voice and the slap of the priest's hand against his face. “Sanzo?”

 

“You were shouting in your sleep,” Sanzo said. “What's going on?”

 

Hakkai rested his face in his hands. “I…I must have been upset by Gojyo's nightmare,” he said shakily.

 

“Hakkai?” Gojyo's sleepy voice called across the room. “Hakkai, what's wrong?”

 

Hakkai looked over to Gojyo's bed and saw him stand shakily then head toward Hakkai's bed. Hakkai exhaled in relief. “Gojyo, you're all right.”

 

“Of course I am,” Gojyo said. “Why, what's happened?”

 

“A nightmare, I guess,” Hakkai said uncertainly. “I've never had such a nightmare before, though…”

 

Gojyo sat down next to Hakkai on the bed and took his hand; then he dropped it suddenly. “Holy cow!” he exclaimed. “You're burning up!”

 

Sanzo sat down next to them and put the back of his hand on Hakkai's forehead. “You seem to have caught Gojyo's fever,” he said. “Odd that a virus should spread so quickly.” He narrowed his eyes and looked the two of them over carefully.

 

“What is it, Sanzo?” Hakkai asked.

 

“Mmm, nothing,” Sanzo replied. He found his cigarettes, drew one out, and lit it. “Both of you have had nightmares triggered by this fever, correct?” he asked.

 

Gojyo and Hakkai glanced at each other in confusion. “Yes,” Hakkai replied.

 

“And both of them touched a deep-seated fear, something strong enough for you to wake up screaming from,” Sanzo continued.

 

“Yeah…” Gojyo began. “So what's up with the questions?”

 

Sanzo noticed a dark shadow flit between the two of them. “The questions tell me that my suspicion is correct,” he said. He followed the shadow with his eyes. At the same time, he drew a few slips of paper out of his pocket.

 

“Sanzo, those are…” Hakkai began.

 

“Be gone, and never return,” Sanzo intoned. He stuck a slip of paper on each of their foreheads.

 

A ghastly shriek suddenly erupted in the room, and the shadow fled from the bed to the darkness at the edge of the room. Sanzo spun to follow it.

 

Suddenly, a sleepy voice came from the doorway to the next room. “What's going on you guys?” Goku asked blearily. He rubbed one of his eyes and peered through the dark room toward where the three of them were sitting.

 

“Goku, get out of here!” Sanzo shouted in warning.

 

Goku straightened up and looked around more alertly, just in time to be knocked over as an unseen attacker collided with him. His head felt momentarily as though it would explode, then the pain subsided.

 

“Wha…what just happened?” Goku asked. He sat up uneasily.

 

“You should be more careful,” a voice whispered in his head. “You never know when that priest will attack you with his magic. Just look, he already has the other two bound and helpless with his paper charms.”

 

Goku shook his head. It _couldn't_ be right - Sanzo would never attack him without reason like that. Yet, when he looked toward the bed, Hakkai and Gojyo were indeed seated weakly on the bed next to Sanzo, each with a slip of inked paper attached to their forehead.

 

“He must have had enough of traveling with youkai,” the voice continued. “You know, he always _did_ say that he was only on his own side.”

 

Goku gulped and took a step backward. “_What the hell is going on?”_ he wondered. There was something horribly not right with the situation; until he figured out what it was, he had to get away from the others _and_ the voice.

 

Sanzo watched Goku stare in stupefied horror for a moment before he fled back into the other bedroom. An entire change had come over the monkey king's demeanor after he had been knocked to the ground, and Sanzo had a suspicion that the spirit he had just chased away from Gojyo and Hakkai was responsible.

 

“Wait here,” Sanzo told the other two. “And don't remove those charms until I get this thing under control.”

 

“Great,” Gojyo muttered. “We get to sit here and look stupid for who knows how long.”

 

“Honestly?” Hakkai replied, “I don't think we'd be going far anyway. These banishing charms are really rather taxing on one's energy level.”

 

Gojyo flopped back on the bed and reclined against the pillows. “Like I said,” he told Hakkai, “it's flipping great.”

  
_**In the noble eightfold path, what is Right Mindfulness? Whatever one is doing, whether sitting, reclining, walking or running, inwardly be aware of the physical body. Recognize that you are not the body, and you will be free of everything.**_ \- Digha Nikaya

Sanzo followed after Goku into the second bedroom. He scanned the room for the small youkai and saw his tiny boots peeking out from under the edge of the bed. “Goku, come out here,” he said firmly.

 

“Sanzo?” came the muffled reply.

 

“Now, Goku,” Sanzo said.

 

Goku turned around and peered out from underneath the bed, but didn't come out. “Please, just go away,” he said. He choked back a sob. “I'm…I'm confused right now. Just…just go away.”

 

“It's all right, Goku,” Sanzo replied. “I'll take care of your confusion.” He waved the remaining charm papers in his hand. “But you need to come out of there without any trouble.”

 

Goku's eyes widened in alarm. “No!” He cried. “No, I don't want to be sealed up again!” He started to push himself back further underneath the bed.

 

Sanzo reached under the bed and grasped the front of Goku's shirt. Goku struggled and kicked, but Sanzo was able to pull him out into the open.

 

“No! No, Sanzo, please!” Goku screamed, kicked and swung his arms as Sanzo hauled him onto the bed and sat him down. “Stop, please! No!” He shrieked at the sight of the charm paper that Sanzo held up in front of him.

 

In the other room, Gojyo and Hakkai listened to the sounds of the struggle.

 

Gojyo looked around uneasily. “What do you suppose he's doing to the monkey?” he asked Hakkai.

 

Hakkai bit his lip uncertainly. “I'm not sure,” he said. “The spirit he drove from us must have also assaulted Goku; perhaps Goku's not in a right state of mind right now.”

 

Just then, the other room grew silent. Gojyo and Hakkai sat in the still darkness for a moment and listened; there was not a sound to be heard. After a moment, Gojyo started to stand. “We should go in there,” he said. He started to reach for the charm on his forehead to pull it off.

 

“No,” Hakkai said abruptly. “That could put everyone in more danger. We'll wait here for Sanzo.”

 

Even as he said it, Sanzo suddenly appeared in the doorway. However, instead of being his calm, collected self, he was staggering and holding his forehead in his hands. “No…” they heard him growl.

 

“Sanzo?” Hakkai asked.

 

Sanzo didn't respond to them. He stumbled to the center of the room and then fell to his knees.

 

“Sanzo!” Gojyo shouted.

 

Suddenly, Sanzo began chanting. His voice got louder and began to echo inside the room, and the ends of the sutra flew out and swirled around him.

 

“What is he doing?” Gojyo wondered out loud.

 

In only a moment he had his answer. Golden light started to shimmer from the sutra and from Sanzo's body; it brightened to such intensity that Gojyo and Hakkai were forced to look away. Then, just as suddenly, the glow dimmed, and the sutra pulled inward, wrapping painfully tight around Sanzo's body. Sanzo collapsed and lay limply on the floor.

 

“SANZO!” Gojyo and Hakkai shouted in unison. The two of them tore the charms off, then stumbled forward and knelt beside him; they drew back in shock when they saw that his eyes were empty and glassy and that his form was still.

 

“S-sanzo?”

 

The two of them looked up to see Goku in the doorway. He clung to the doorframe for support; a charm paper identical to the ones that had been on them was fixed securely on his forehead.

 

“Goku, he's…” Gojyo started.

 

Goku stared in disbelief. “Sanzo…” he said. He stumbled forward, then tripped and fell next to the other two.

 

Hakkai helped him sit upright and peeled the charm from Goku's forehead. “Don't try to strain yourself,” he warned. “Sanzo obviously wanted to make sure that whatever spirit is lurking about here didn't attack you again.”

 

“Spirit?” Goku asked.

 

“An evil, vengeful spirit that should not have even been alerted to your presence,” a new voice spoke.

 

The three of them looked up to see an elderly, orange-cloaked priest standing in the doorway to the main room.

 

“He was once a member of our temple,” the priest continued. “However, his mind and heart were too easily corrupted by the material desires of the world, and he began to become corrupt in his thinking; he started to persecute himself and others for the smallest err of judgment. It ruined him - both as a holy person and as a human being.”

 

He looked down at the sanzo lying wide-eyed and motionless on the floor. “Perhaps…perhaps this sanzo can finally put him to rest, so he never troubles anyone again.”

 

“But…” Hakkai began, “Sanzo's…”

 

“No, he's not dead,” the priest assured them. “But he is waging an internal war against this monster. If he comes out victorious, he will awaken and the spirit will be under his control.”

 

“And if he doesn't win?” Gojyo asked.

 

“Both of them will likely perish,” the priest said sadly. “I cannot imagine Lord Sanzo's holy body accepting such an evil spirit.”

 

Just as he finished speaking, Sanzo's body suddenly writhed upon the floor. Sanzo shrieked in pain and the sutra flew outward once again; the three youkai and the monk dove out of the way of the flailing ends of the fabric.

 

Sanzo fought his way to his feet and held his head clutched in his hands. Tears of pain ran down his face, and an unholy scream reverberated around the room.

 

As suddenly as it began, it was over. Sanzo sagged weakly to the floor, tired but awake. In his hand, a glowing drop-like spirit flame burned brightly.

 

“Sanzo!” Goku shouted. He ran forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Sanzo's waist.

 

“At least it's over, now,” Hakkai sighed with relief.

 

Sanzo looked around. “I thought I told you dimwits to leave the charms in place,” he grumbled. Then he turned to the orange-robed priest. “I take it you are the head priest, who was away on errands when we visited the temple on the mountaintop.”

 

“Yes, I am sorry to say,” the priest replied. “Had I been there, I would have never allowed the others to alert this vengeful spirit to your presence. He's been trouble enough about the temple; he doesn't need to be troubling others, especially someone as esteemed as yourself.”

 

“I'll see to that,” Sanzo said. He found a glass vase on a nearby table and put the spirit flame inside, then sealed the top with another charm. “This will hold him until he's properly taken care of.”

 

“Thank you, Lord Sanzo,” the priest said. “I apologize wholeheartedly for the behavior of the others at our temple; they have obviously sorely misjudged you and your companions.”

 

“They always do,” Sanzo replied. He found his cigarettes again, pulled one out, and lit it.

  
_**Do not believe in something solely because someone has told you so, or tradition has it, or because many others do. Test for yourself, experience for yourself.**_ \- Kalama Sutta

 


End file.
